The Safe Space Struggle: How Attachment, Hormones, and Brain Science Shape Parenting
Someone recently said to me:
“I know you’re not a parent because you said kids act out due to a lack of boundaries, but really, they act out around the people they’re most comfortable with.”
And honestly? They weren’t wrong. But they weren’t entirely right either.
I’m not a parent, but I am a former teacher and nanny with a psychology degree, and this conversation sparked something important. It reminded me how deeply nuanced behavior is, and how parenting perspective and professional insight both matter. Let’s talk about it.
How Motherhood Literally Changes the Brain
There’s a biological truth that often gets overlooked in parenting debates: becoming a mother rewires the brain.
Studies show that postpartum women demonstrate increased neural activity in areas of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional processing, including the middle and posterior cingulate cortex, especially in response to their baby’s cries. This isn't just sweet sentiment. It’s neuroscience.
“An evolved mechanism to prioritize infant care”
— Bak et al., 2021; Hiraoka et al., 2021
These changes help mothers be more attuned to their baby's needs, but also make it much harder to ignore distress, even when their head tells them it's necessary (e.g., not giving in to whining or saying no to another cookie).
Hormonal Influence
Hormones like oxytocin (the "love hormone") and cortisol (the "stress hormone") also surge postpartum. These elevate alertness and caregiving sensitivity, strengthening emotional bonds, but they may also increase a mother’s vulnerability to emotional overwhelm when children are dysregulated.
Why Kids Act Out More with Their Primary Caregivers
It’s true: kids often "act out" around the people they feel safest with. This isn’t manipulation, it’s attachment. The same way I would be more likely to show my emotions to my partner than a random person at the grocery store.
Securely attached children tend to express a wider range of emotions with their caregivers. According to attachment theory, that’s a sign of trust. They aren’t testing you to hurt you, they’re asking: Can you handle all of me?
“Children often act out more with the parent they are most emotionally bonded to, typically the mother in heterosexual families.”
— Cassidy et al., 2013; Leerkes & Zhou, 2018
Still, attachment alone doesn’t explain everything. Sometimes, acting out is also a learned behavior reinforced over time.
Boundaries Challenges vs. Normal Behavior: Knowing the Difference
Let’s make a crucial distinction:
Normal Developmental Behavior: Tantrums in toddlers. Moodiness in teens. Resistance to rules in older kids. All of these are developmentally expected.
Boundary Challenges: When behaviors consistently escalate, become disruptive, or serve to control the parent-child dynamic, it may reflect inconsistent or unclear boundaries.
Boundaries:
Boundaries give children predictability. They teach cause and effect, responsibility, and emotional regulation. But here’s where many parents struggle, boundaries can feel harsh when your child is upset. That’s when emotional reasoning kicks in:
"I don’t want to make her cry."
"He’s had a hard day already."
But without consistency, children become confused about what’s okay and what’s not. This can lead to more acting out, not because they’re bad, but because they’re uncertain. They NEED a strong figure in their lives to provide them the comfort that they need when they’re dysregulated and cannot decide on their own to make a good choice.
Reinforcement: Why Kids Keep Whining
From a behavioral psychology standpoint, children tend to repeat behaviors that get results. This is known as the Law of Reinforcement.
If whining results in:
Getting the toy
Avoiding bedtime
Gaining your attention
Then whining becomes a go-to strategy. Not because kids are manipulative, because they’re smart. They do what works.
“Behaviors followed by favorable outcomes are more likely to be repeated.”
— Skinnerian behavioral theory
Parental Fatigue and the Path of Least Resistance
Let’s be honest: parenting is exhausting. Sometimes the only thing that feels manageable is to give in, just this once.
But repeated short-term relief can create long-term behavioral patterns. Yielding when you’re overwhelmed (which is completely human!) can slowly train your child that persistence leads to reward, not consistency.
Why Boundaries Are Love
Empathy without boundaries is not gentle parenting. It’s permissiveness. And permissiveness, over time, leaves kids unsure of what’s expected, and unsure of themselves. If you’d like to learn more about the trap of permissive parenting, you can read all about it in my blog “Gentle Parenting Missteps: Avoiding the Trap of Permissiveness”.
Children thrive when they:
Know the rules
Trust you’ll enforce them
Feel seen and loved, even when they’re told “no”
So while it's true that kids act out more with the people they love and trust the most, that doesn't mean that behavior should always be excused. Secure relationships and clear boundaries go hand-in-hand.
Takeaway: What Can Parents Do?
Here are a few supportive strategies for when your child is acting out:
Set clear boundaries: Be consistent and calm in enforcement. No yelling and no changing your mind.
Use choices: Empower your child within limits (“Do you want to brush teeth before or after pajamas?”).
Model regulation: Your calm nervous system teaches theirs.
Play with purpose: Use play to reconnect and co-regulate. My “Cozy Coping Kit” is ALL about teaching emotional regulation through play! Check it out here.
Hold the line: Saying no doesn't damage your bond, it strengthens trust in your leadership.
And finally, give yourself grace. Whether you’re a parent, a nanny, or a teacher, all of us are learning as we go.
Sources:
Bak, Y., Nah, Y., Han, S., Lee, S. K., Kim, J., & Shin, N. Y. (2021). Neural correlates of empathy for babies in postpartum women: A longitudinal study. Human brain mapping, 42(10), 3295–3304. https://doi.org/10.1002/hbm.25435
Hiraoka, D., Nomura, M., & Kato, M. (2021). Longitudinal Study of Maternal Beliefs About Infant Crying During the Postpartum Period: Interplay With Infant's Temperament. Frontiers in psychology, 12, 786391. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.786391
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