Helping Kids Master Emotions: What Behavior Charts Might Miss
"He brushed his teeth…but only after I yelled, threatened to take away TV, and offered a cookie.” So… did you really win? In the moment, yes! But you may not be setting yourself and your child up for long term success and regulation.
Too often in childcare, success is measured by whether a child did the thing…not how they got there. Traditional tools like behavior charts focus on checking boxes: Did they clean up? Did they stay quiet? Did they say “sorry”?
But emotional growth isn’t about compliance. It’s about capacity. It’s about helping children develop the inner tools to manage their feelings, make decisions, and recover from disappointment. When we reduce emotional development to a system of rewards and consequences, we miss the bigger picture, and we miss the child in front of us.
Behavior Charts: What They DO Teach (and What They Don’t)
Sticker charts and color-coded systems might help kids “behave” in the short term, but research suggests they don’t foster emotional regulation, autonomy, or long-term motivation (Deci, Koestner, & Ryan, 1999). These tools often reinforce extrinsic motivation…doing the right thing for the reward, not because the child understands or values the behavior.
More concerning? They can send the message that emotions like frustration, sadness, or anger are “bad” or worse, punishable.
“You lost your green card because you were upset.”
“You don’t get a star today because you cried.”
These subtle messages can make kids feel ashamed of their emotions instead of learning how to process them.
Emotional Regulation ≠ Obedience
True emotional regulation involves:
Recognizing one’s emotions
Understanding the cause of those emotions
Choosing strategies to manage those feelings
It’s a process…not a product. And it doesn't always look neat. A child working through a tantrum in a safe space is regulating, even if they aren’t sitting still. A child who says “I need a minute” instead of screaming is growing, even if they didn’t say “please.”
According to Eisenberg et al. (2001), children who develop strong regulation skills are better equipped for school success, social relationships, and resilience in the face of stress. But those skills aren’t learned through charts. They’re learned through co-regulation, the adult staying regulated enough to help the child move through big emotions, without escalating the situation.
So What Actually Helps?
1. Emotion Coaching
Instead of saying “stop crying,” try:
“I see you’re really upset. Let’s figure out what’s going on.”
Gottman et al. (1997) found that children whose parents used emotion-coaching techniques were more emotionally intelligent, had better peer relationships, and fewer behavioral issues.
2. Modeling Regulation
Children mirror the adults around them. A calm, firm tone and clear boundaries, without yelling or threats, helps children internalize what it looks like to stay grounded under stress (Morris et al., 2007).
3. Safe Outlets
Tools like Cozy Coping Kits, emotion wheels, and feelings puppets give children visual, sensory, and verbal ways to express what they’re going through. When these tools become part of the daily routine, kids learn to pause and process, not just push through.
4. Connection Before Correction
Children regulate best in the presence of a safe, emotionally available adult. A child who feels seen and supported is more likely to calm down and cooperate, not because they’re afraid of losing a privilege, but because they trust you.
But What About the Toothbrush?
If your child brushed their teeth, but you had to yell, bribe, or threaten your way there… that’s not a win. That’s coercion. And even if it “worked,” it missed the opportunity to build trust, problem-solve, or teach a skill.
Wouldn’t it be more valuable for your child to want to brush their teeth because they understand it’s part of taking care of their body and they feel empowered to do it?
It’s okay if it doesn’t happen overnight. The goal is progress, not perfection. And sometimes, the win isn’t a clean smile…it’s a calm moment, a new coping skill, or a deeper understanding of what your child is experiencing.
🧾 Final Thoughts
Behavior charts may shape behavior and they are absolutely essential for some children’s routines, but they don’t shape character. Helping your child master emotions means choosing the long road: co-regulation, connection, and curiosity. It means caring more about how they get there than whether they got the sticker.
Because raising an emotionally resilient child is worth more than a gold star.
References:
Deci, E. L., Koestner, R., & Ryan, R. M. (1999). A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 125(6), 627–668. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.125.6.627
Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Morris, A. S. (2001). Regulation, resiliency, and quality of social functioning. Self and Identity, 1(2), 121–128. https://doi.org/10.1080/152988602317319302
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Psychology Press.
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
